Hypotheticals
by Balloon Animal
Summary: It's a rainy night on Plastic Beach, and Murdoc engages 2D in some strange midnight conversation.
1. Chapter 1

Hypotheticals

A Gorillaz story by Balloon Animal

* * *

"What did Kurt Cobain, Sid Vicious and Marilyn Monroe all have in common?"

2D paused for a moment before answering. Murdoc was well known for his trick questions. Whatever his answer, it was usually the wrong one. He worried his bottom lip, more preoccupied with the ball and chain that was cutting into his ankle than the current conversation.

"I dunno… drug addiction?"

This was the wrong answer.

"No, you blithering idiot, the other thing!" Murdoc thumped his fist down onto the grimy kitchen table and scattered debris onto the grimier floor. That was the problem with living on enormous mound of garbage. The garbage. "Think about it. It's the one thing that made them all undeniable legends. Immortals when their contemporaries simply faded into oblivion" He held a long yellowed fingernail into the air to punctuate his point.

2D took another moment to think. Nope, nothing. He gave up with a shrug.

"An untimely death!" Murdoc stated in victory. "A spectacular finale! The ultimate exit to a rip-roaring, gut wrenching rollercoaster of a life. Plucked straight from the prime of their lives. Beautiful."

2D nodded slowly, eyes darting to see if there was anything nearby that could use to pick a lock.

"Yeees," Murdoc scraped at his bristled chin, obviously pleased with this new revelation. He took a moment from his contemplation to take a swig from a dusty rum bottle, charmingly labeled with three large crosses. Murdoc had quickly discovered he could save valuable time by eliminating a glass from the drinking process.

"So, do you think you could, like, unlock me please? I don't think I can feel me foot anymore."

"You see my dim friend, I've been endlessly thinking about how I could possible maintain this wonderful notoriety I've got going on. No matter how great my achievements even the memory of myself will be washed away by the seas of time." He stared out at nothing in particular with a wistful expression. Long periods of isolation had a tendency to make a man poetically reflective. Well, that and the alcohol.

2D was beginning to catch on to what Murdoc was suggesting. "Are you saying you wanna _top_ yourself?" He tried to keep the hope out of his voice.

"What? No!" Barked Murdoc, snapped out of his thoughts. "Well, not _literally_ anyway. This is completely hypothetical."

There was a sudden lurch in the room. Tables and cabinets rattled while random objects became airborne. When the weather was choppy outside the Plastic Beach tended to sway back and forth like a pendulum. On the rare occasions like today when 2D was allowed out of his room, it usually was when the weather was on a turn for the worst. Perhaps because it was more difficult for him to escape, or maybe Murdoc just liked to watch him suffer. It was probably both. His face went green and Murdoc… well; Murdoc was green no matter what the weather.

"Whoa, that was a big one wannit?" Completely unaffected by the commotion, Murdoc caught the rum bottle which had just teetered over the edge of the table and helped himself to another swig.

2D's fingers were clenched to the table, knuckles white. He wasn't sure why Murdoc even brought him up here at all. When he wasn't incarcerated with a murderous whale watching over him, he was in chains upstairs with a mentally unstable (and possibly suicidal?) sociopath.

If he didn't know any better he would have thought that Murdoc enjoyed it all.

The sharp yellow teeth grinning back at him also may have been a clue.

The rattling had subsided and everything became eerily quiet. It was only flashes of lightning and distant rumbles of thunder that penetrated the silence while Murdoc gave him a very long and intense stare.

"If it were me, I'd probably O.D on pills." Tentatively suggested 2D.

Murdoc groaned. "That's the most sodding, pansy-arsed way to go. Why don't I just slash my wrists to an Evanescence album?"

"Just tryin' to help," said 2D slumping down in his seat, wondering why he was even humoring this man.

"No, it has to be spec-tac-you-larrrr," stressed Murdoc, fluttering his fingers around his head. "It has to be out of this world, you see, unimaginable. Headline news in every country."

"Why don't you just stick some fireworks up your bum." 2D had had enough of Murdoc's mania for today.

Strangely enough, Murdoc considered this. He pressed a finger to his chin thoughtfully. "Close, but probably too melodramatic. I need to keep some dignity intact."

"Well I fink this is sick," 2D crossed his arms in distaste. "Shouldn't be talking about this kind of stuff, I reckons."

"Sickness… It could possibly work. Me ailing in bed with some newly discovered infectious disease, incurable of course. Doctors baffled – the world in pandemonium at the prospect of an international epidemic with me being the origin of its source. Hhhmmm"

2D observed Murdoc's current state of hygiene. "Actually, that one's not so far-fetched."

Murdoc pressed on, now deep in this spiral of thought. "Noo, I really think it has to be dramatic. Violent. Stuff the kids will cry about and movies will reenact. Something that will make me bigger than… than…"

Murdoc's bloodshot eyes widened and 2D could swear he heard the gears grinding in his head. In one swift movement Murdoc reached across the table and grabbed a startled 2D by the collar.

From this perspective 2D could see every filthy detail of his friend. He tried to turn his face away as best as he could to avoid the repulsiveness of it. Murdoc was practically shaking with nervous energy.

"Bigger than John-bloody-Lennon!"

"John… John Lennon?"

"Yeees, why do you think he's still as famous as he ever was?"

"Uh, his music?" 2D was uncomfortable waiting for Murdoc to let him go. He didn't know how much longer he could hold his breath.

In a simple release of a fist, 2D was propelled backwards, his chair tumbling behind him in a spectacular crash to the ground. Murdoc blew an impressive raspberry while he comfortably sat back down and helped himself to another swallow of pirate-grade rum. "His music? Total bollocks. Nahhh, it was his assassination that made him who he is." Murdoc took a particular liking to the word and rolled it around his tongue, "_assassination, _ahhh, hmmm."

2D shakily seated himself back at the table, tugging the ball and chain closer and wondering what terrible thing he had done in his past life to deserve this. "But people shoot at you all the time Murdoc? Doesn't really make the news though."

"In this rare moment I will have to agree with you dullard. That's why my assassin-to-be would have to be completely unexpected. People would speculate about it for centuries." It was all very clear to Murdoc now. His eyes sparkled with a dream-like intensity.

2D was now so wrapped up in Murdoc's disturbed plot he couldn't contain his curiosity. "But, who…?"

There was a sudden strike of lightning, which illuminated the grin stretching across Murdoc's face. A burst of thunder quickly followed, rattling the windows and shaking the cabinets.

"Why, isn't it obvious dullard?" He lowered his face, sinister eyes peeking out beneath the thick curtain of his fringe, "it's _you_."

"Me?" 2D swallowed, for the first time wishing he were back in his room. He'd rather try his luck with a homicidal 100-ton whale than continue to follow Murdoc down this twisted path. "Why me?"

"Imagine the publicity! It would be the story of the decade! Front man murders bass legend! Phooar, think of the trials! People would line up for days to pay tribute to me. They'd name parks after me. No, mountains_. No, Scientific theorems_!"

It was during times like this that 2D desperately missed his two other currently mysteriously absent band members, at least when they were around Murdoc had to keep some control over his insanity. Here at Plastic Beach it was completely unrestrained. In fact, with a combination of rum and isolation, Murdoc had been gleefully cultivating it.

"Why would I wanna kill you?" Before the words were even out of his mouth 2D knew how stupid this question was.

"Clearly you were driven to madness living in the shadow of my genius."

2D nearly choked in indignation. If Murdoc was going to have him hypothetically assassinate him, he should at least make it hypothetically plausible. "More like I'd knock you off for being a right tosser."

"Hmm, I like my version better."

"So, how would I do it?" If he was going to fake-murder Murdoc, he felt he had every right to know how it would happen.

"A stabbing rage perhaps? Use my body parts for some tribal ritual?"

2D grimaced. That just wasn't his style.

"Awright, how about this then – we're on the final performance of our tour reaching the crescendo of our encore – and then _blammo! _I take you out with a double necked guitar. Sparks everywhere."

Murdoc gave 2D such an intense look, that for a minute 2D was sure he was going to hit him. Instead he took a swig of rum and then slammed it back down on the table. "Brilliant! Gaaw, I gotta write that one down." He patted his shirt pocket and shakily retrieved a crumpled notebook and hastily scrawled down the nights musings.

2D blinked. He had no idea where this was all going.

After Murdoc carefully folded his notes and patted them back down into his pocket, he lit himself a cigarette and leaned back in his chair, sighing and gazing up at the ceiling, with smoke wafting around him. "Of course it would all be completely staged. I'd get a body double in place and be on a plane to Tahiti before they even slapped the handcuffs of you." He let out a trademark laugh. "Image, all those thousands of people queuing up to my funeral."

"They'd only come to make sure you were dead." Mumbled 2D

"Oh lighten up you sodding wet blanket. It's only a hypothetical. Christ!" He grabbed one of the few glasses that hadn't found its way to the floor and poured a generous helping of rum. He pushed it towards 2D and wiggled his eyebrows.

2D shook his head. He had learned not to accept drinks from Murdoc from the last four times they had been spiked with rohypnol.

He was overcome with an intense wave of melancholy. Wondering why almost ten years ago, the fates decided to let him cross paths with this strange man. The moment was broken however, when the wind outside picked and jostled the island.

Things flew again, and this time Murdoc wasn't so steady in his seat. The rum flew from his hand and with a curse he was knocked to the other side of the room crashing dramatically into the bookshelf at the far end.

2D, on the other hand, hadn't even moved a foot. The ball and chain had efficiently weighted him to the spot preventing him from being catapulted like shrapnel. If there were such things as gods of fate, it seemed like they didn't _completely_ have it in for 2D.

Hypothetically of course.


	2. The Ocean

It was never a pleasant experience to be roughly shaken awake in the dead of night. It was even worse when it was a grisly scrooge of a man called Murdoc Niccals, whom usually never had good intentions. Especially when he was shaking people awake in the dead if night.

The confinement to a small room that was located fathoms under the ocean tended to mess with 2D's senses. When it wasn't the harrowing boredom that ate away as his thinning sanity, it was the passage of time that became difficult to estimate. He had to rely on the timer on his DVD player to have any clear idea as to what hour it might be, and with the frequent power outages that occurred on Plastic Beach, it really couldn't be an accurate indicator.

So, when 2D finally could relax his mind enough to forget that a ruthless sea mammal was watching over him 24 hours a day and feel suitably confident that it _was_ nighttime to slip into a shallow sleep, someone shaking him awake in the dead of night really wasn't appreciated.

"Dullard. Dullard! Wake up you ponce."

"Hurgh arrflglarg!" Bony hands had attached themselves to 2D's shoulders and were now shaking him like a British nanny. It was a moment of absolute disorientation and 2D scrambled and shrieked like a schoolgirl.

A stinging slap quickly brought him back to his senses. The room was pitch black but the scent of cigarettes and ethanol was enough to determine who the intruder was.

"Murdoc!" 2D deduced while nursing his throbbing cheek in bafflement.

"Listen," the shadowy silhouette at the end of his bed huffed, "I don't like this anymore than you, but I need you for something. Something _urgent_."

Anger was quickly replacing shock as 2D curled himself up at the end of his bed. Now that he had reacquainted himself with his surroundings, he decided that this sudden intrusion was highly inappropriate. What the _hell_ could Murdoc possibly want right now?

"And you didn't think it could wait?"

A cold hand grabbed his wrist and dragged him from his perch, bringing pillows and blankets along with him. It was a bumpy ride as he landed in a tumbled clump. It was a couple of moments of extracting himself from the tangle before Murdoc flicked the lights on. He squinted and shielded his eyes from the intensity of the brightness.

The light really didn't make Murdoc look any prettier. He had the crazed expression of a sleepless man. The purple rings under his eyes were especially prominent and was very obviously wearing the same black turtleneck he threw on a week ago. Basic personal hygiene wasn't high on Murdoc's checklist during his move to Plastic Beach.

He squatted down to face 2D, nervously fidgeting with his fingernails. His eyes darted back and forth and talked in a low voice, as though there was someone listening over his shoulder.

"Dullard, I saw _something_ outside…"

Usually 2D at least had some time to mentally prepare himself before he had a conversation with Murdoc. After being forcefully awoken and dragged from his bed, he was currently at a complete loss. "…Somefing?"

"It was huuuuuge. Bigger than the moon." He put his hands apart at arms length, as though that adequately conveyed the size of this thing.

"Uh," 2D rubbed from sleep from his eyes and shakily tried to push himself away, still cheesed-off by this whole situation, "was it your ego?"

"Shaddap! No. Christ, I though I was imagining it. I was on the roof cleaning my -_ahem_- telescope, when I saw it on the horizon. Enormous! Thought I was imagining it at first."

The adrenaline was leaving 2D's system and he suddenly felt very tired. "How much have you been drinking Murdoc?" He saw Murdoc give him a cutting glare and moved out of punching range just in case.

"Enough to sharpen the senses." He rose to his feet, adjusted his belt buckle and stretched out a green hand for 2D. 2D hesitantly grabbed a hold and was pulled to his feet, wobbling slightly and keeping a comfortable distance from his mad friend.

Before he knew it 2D had an oar pushed into his arms. He blinked down at the wooden stick still not quite understanding what Murdoc wanted from him. Murdoc was quick to fill in the details.

"I need you do very some light labour for me. Nothing too hard. It will be just like a holiday!"

2D looked at Murdoc's inebriated condition and remained unconvinced. "Wot, like St. Patricks? Why can't you get your bloody robot to do it? I'm going back to bed."

He moved back towards the mattress but Murdoc quickly cut him off. "Ahh, it's busted again. I've got the manual to help me but it's all in Korean."

2D didn't have any sympathy, but he knew now that going back to bed wasn't in his future. When Murdoc wanted something he usually got it, with whatever force necessary. "So… its only small stuff right. Then I can go back to bed?"

Murdoc's face twinkled like a happy demon. "So easy you won't even notice you're doing it."

* * *

So it was that 2D found himself in a rickety rowboat still in his pajamas, slowly rowing a madman out into the middle of the ocean to chase a figment of his disturbed imagination. Murdoc was sane enough not to forget the ball and chain attached to 2D's ankle, which thoughtfully turned an inconvenient expedition into a perilous one.

2D huffed and groaned as he strained to row the dingey out into the water, fighting against the choppy water of the south pacific. He was completely unassisted by Murdoc who was more comfortable barking orders at him like a coxswain. He rested a long silver harpoon against his body, gnarled fingers gripped the metal with a cold determination.

"Hurry up! Move those scrawny chicken arms. I know amputees who could move faster."

2D glared at Murdoc, "it would be well easier wifout all that stuff you brought." He pointed at the three crates of rum sitting near Murdoc's feet.

"These are vital supplies brainache! Absolutely necessary." And to make a point of it, he uncorked a bottle and downed half of it

It was the middle of the night and 2D was awe inspired by the blanket of stars that stretched out overhead. He had never in his life seen them with such clarity. Apart from the distant light from Plastic Beach, there was no artificial glow to subdue their beauty. A sliver of moon hung in the air and reflected onto the vast expanse of ocean that stretched out endlessly. What also felt strange to him was the eerie silence that pervaded their surroundings. Apart from the lapping of water against their boat, it was a vacuum. For city-boy who had spent the last ten years in the hustle and bustle of the metropolis, it was a profound change.

Murdoc wasn't the one to see the beauty in anything, so the tranquility of this scene escaped his attention. Instead he held up a hand to stop 2D and sniffed the air like a dog. "Alright, I think that's far enough." He rifled though a bag at his feet and pulled out a pair of binoculars, peering through them to take in the black expanse that surrounded them.

2D's teeth chattered. It wasn't just the chill breeze that brushed past them that caused 2D's discomfort. His thoughts wandered back to briny deep. Somewhere beneath these cold waters was a foul, terrible animal that had it in for 2D.

In a best-case scenario they would simply sit there until Murdoc became too bored or drunk to bother anymore. Then they would row back and this whole incident would be forgotten.

In a worst case scenario… Well, let's just hope nothing happened.

"Can we go back now?" Asked 2D when five minutes had elapsed. He wrapped his arms around his thin body and shivered. Even being incarcerated in his bedroom was better than this. With each passing moment his anxiety intensified. His active imagination filled in the silence with visions of jaws breaking the surface to swallow their little boat whole. He mournfully looked back at Plastic Beach, which was uncomfortably far away.

Murdoc was still surveying the water with severe intensity. He rubbed his harpoon nervously, watching for any sign of movement on the black ocean that stretched out ahead of him. "Shut it you twerp, you might scare it away with your yabbering."

2D wondered why Murdoc even wanted to coax this supposed creature out of the depths. He had seen far too many horror movies to expect this to end well. Besides, if the monster really was as epic as Murdoc described, what could that little harpoon possibly do to defend them?

"Why do we want to see it anyway?"

Murdoc rubbed his face in irritation. "This isn't bird watching, you numbskull. We're going to capture this thing and make history. Or maybe sell its meat to the Japanese if the price is right."

There was a slight jostle to the boat.

2D and Murdoc simultaneously froze in stunned surprise. Murdoc broke from his momentary shock and scrambled to position his harpoon over the water. His fangs bared at the thrill of the chase.

"Thar she blows!" He gleefully declared, training the sharp spear over any part of water that hinted movement. "Come out, come out you bloody thing."

2D sunk down into the boat and put his arms over his head. He sure hoped that this creeping sense of dread was just his usual overactive imagination. "Murdoc, I don't like this. I fink maybe we should go back now."

"Oh grow a spine you coward!" Murdoc stood upright, making their fragile boat wobble with the shift of movement. He held his hand over his fringe to shield his eyes from the imaginary glare, because that's the thing that sailors did. "I have the situation completely under control. What could possibly go wrong?"

Water bubbled up and surrounded their boat; popping and fizzing like a nightmarish hot tub.

All Murdoc could do was mutter a confused "eh?"

In a split second, 2D's world came crashing down upon him. It was as though a mountain of water rose up beneath them. A temporary tsunami that just so happened to materialize underneath their boat. The dingey was thrown into the air, with Murdoc and 2D along for the ride.

It was chaos. Salty foam was sucked into 2D's nose as he tried to scream. He thought he heard Murdoc swear but it could also have been the roar of the water. It was a blurry rush of panic. 2D's stomach flip-flopped as they were thrown as far as they could go before gravity gripped its claws around the men to pull them back towards the frigid water.

This was it, thought 2D. His darkest fears were about to come true and he was going to be eaten alive. Or if he was lucky, simply dragged to the bottom of the ocean by the ball and chain Murdoc had so helpfully attached to his leg. Hardly the way he expected go, but then again there weren't many ways he wanted it to happen. He closed his eyes and used his last thoughts to imagine that he was strangling Murdoc to death. It was a single ray of comfort in an otherwise ratshit situation.

The last thing 2D remembered was the bone shattering shock of hitting the water headfirst. The extreme cold forced the air out of his lungs before the pressure of the ocean enveloped him and sank into an endless abyss.

It was at that point that 2D's psyche reached its limit and the blue haired man blacked out.

* * *

2D wearily blinked his eyes open, and was greeted by the glittering canvas of the night sky.

He rolled on to his stomach, coughing up salty mouthfuls of water and feeling his body ache with every contraction. His extreme discomfort was good evidence that he wasn't dead. Why wasn't he dead?

He noticed he wood grained texture of the surface beneath him, heard the splash of water and realized that he was still in that bloody dingey. Trembling, he pulled himself up into a sitting position. He was drenched to the bone, and the south wind had picked up, stripping every molecule of warmth from his body. Every part of his body hurt. Even his hair hurt. 2D was very, very unhappy.

His closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and tried to piece his wits back together. His meditation was broken when he heard an odd sound that sounded somewhere between a gurgle and a snore.

By some horrible miracle Murdoc was in the boat too. He was passed out in a crumpled heap, tongue lolling out the side. He had a nasty lump on the side of his head, but otherwise very much alive.

2D groaned and lifted his face to the sky in a silent question. It was as though the hand of God had plucked them from certain death and placed them back in this little boat so that would carry on with their twisted relationship for his own personal amusement. What a guy.

His eyes fell back on Murdoc, and a terrible sweeping loathing bubbled up inside of him. Even 2D was taken aback by the intensity of his feelings. He crawled towards the man, inching through the puddles of seawater that had seeped into the boat, and leaned over his unconscious body. The wind blew again and he shivered, wondering what to do. Of course, the priority was to get back to the beach before this monster decided it hadn't had enough. But another small corner of 2D's mind was turning over a very dark idea.

Murdoc snorted again. He was hardly the pristine vision of a sleeping angel.

2D looked out at the inky landscape of the ocean. Maybe it wouldn't be the epic send out that Murdoc had envisioned, but it would be quick and it would be respectful. Besides, a rock star mysteriously vanishing would still get some press. It wouldn't take much effort really. Just roll him over the side and watch the water take him. 2D swallowed dryly as he played it out in his mind. There would be no more abuse. No more imprisonment. No more psychological torment.

He would be free.

With a heavy sigh 2D made his decision. He rifled though Murdoc's pockets before he found what he was looking for. With a jangle, he pulled out a gold ring chain with an impressive collection of keys adorning it. He took him several attempts, but to 2D's relief he found the right key to his ball and chain.

He unlocked the terrible thing and twisted his foot to get the feeling back. With some effort he managed to push it over the side of the boat and with enormous satisfaction watched it sink from his sight.

With the only piece of luck 2D had today, the oars were still in the boat. One had snapped in half but it was better than nothing.

He looked back at Murdoc, temptation still whispering in his ear. He sighed again.

With the last of his remaining strength, he slowly rowed them both back to Plastic Beach.


End file.
